The ESPY Categories That Never Were
I enjoyed the ESPY’s last night with LeBron James and Jimmy Kimmel, but Best Week Ever now brings us the awards they didn’t give out, although they should have.
“Best Actor: Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers for his performance in “Fathead Commercial.†(Breaking Fred McGriff’s seven-year run for his performance in the Tom Emanski Defensive Drills commercial)
Best Arrest: Pacman Jones of the Tennessee Titans for “Makin’ it Rain,†narrowly edging out Tank Johnson of the Chicago Bears for “Possesin’ six illegal firearms.â€
Best Male Athlete, Dogfighting: Tiger Woods, actually, in a shocking upset.
Best Physique, Photoshopped: Andy Roddick, for his cartoonish Men’s Fitness cover.
Best Bridge Burning: Willis McGahee, for his T.G.I. Friday’s-inspired anti-Buffalo tirade
Best Evidence That The MLB Postseason Is Completely Based On Luck: The St. Louis Cardinals (accepting the award – David Eckstein)
Best Sound Byte: (Ex-)Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green advises the media to crown the Bears’ asses.
Best Female Athlete: Venus Williams, I guess? Did Danica Patrick do something this year? Whoever.
Least Regrettable Personnel Move: The New York Knicks giving Coach/GM Isaiah Thomas a multiyear contract extension.
Best Role Model: Tom Brady, for dumping Bridget Moynehan while she was pregnant with his baby and immediately dating supermodel Gisele Bundchen.
But I’d like to point to BWE that they actually did award a Best Female Athlete award, and that pitcher from Arizona won. I don’t remember her name.
Source: Best Week Ever
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- The ESPY Categories That Never Were
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