The 9 Types of Britney Spears Concert Fans
In her song Circus, according to Britney Spears there is only two types of people in the world. Well there is apparently nine types of Britney fans who attend her concerts…
THE YOUNG SKANKS
Armed with a skirt line threatening to expose their lady regions with every half-step of her six-inch stilettos, The Young Skank is a many-numbered, many-splendored thing at the Britney concert. They’re here for the (underage) drinking, the straight dudes (approximately seven per show), and the excuse to wear a slutty top to show off their new rack.
Inside the show, the pose is generally uniform: cup of frothy beer thrusted into the air on high in the right hand, digital camera dangling from wriststrap on right hand, ass grinding hard against whatever skank/old man/chair seems closest. By the time “Get Naked†comes on, remember to shield your eyes—thongs leave devastating bruises when slingshot from across the arena.
THE OLD SKANKS
Bless their hearts. Forty is the new twenty, right ladies? This grown-up version of The Young Skank actually doesn’t know Britney’s lyrics by heart. Also, they don’t know the dances. They’re just here to prove, to themselves, that they’ve still got It. Wobbling around on imitation Christian Lacroixs stilettos rivaling even the bravest of their youthful counterparts, you’ll find The Old skanks wrapped around their toothless biker hubbies in the arena, giggling and making out as the show goes on. Leopard print is common, though a nice trim of zebra and pleather may waddle past your sight line during “Radar.” And if you really want to have some fun, watch their expressions whenever a twenty-one-year old breeze rolls by. Or appears shirtless on stage.
STATE SCHOOL GIRLS
You’ve seen them flocking into the show in droves: North Face sweaters (really?), Ugg boots (really?), and their hair slicked back in a ponytail that shines (REALLY?!). They don’t give a shit if this is a tour is for her latest album; they’re here for the nostalgia factor.
Good luck enjoying the concert if you’re standing next to this giggly gaggle. If they’re not busy readjusting their leggings and gabbing about Twitter mid-concert, they’re elbowing you to take their picture with all five of their cameras slung around your arm. Oh, and as for the music? You try enjoying Britney’s pre-recorded vocals with “SING …BABY ONE MORE TIME!†ringing in your ears for 90 minutes.
THE FRIGHTENINGLY DEVOTED GAYS & GIRLS
I’m talking to you. Now, we’ve been there every step of the way, from “Baby One More Time” to the 2007 Video Music Awards. We’re here for BRITNEY. And no, it hasn’t always been so easy.
Two years ago she was shaving her head, speaking in tongues, and getting strapped on to a gurney for a brief “relaxation” stint. And if there’s one thing we gays love more than rooting for a pop tart down on her luck, it’s her divine and miraculous return to grace. So look for us—we’ll be peppering the audience in our homemade, hot-pink glitter tees. And if you can’t see us, just stick out an ear and listen for the violent, shrill screams of “I LOVE YOU!†tucked in between the heaving sobs. We’re also the A-holes who paid top dollar for VIP passes, which we’ll be wearing around our necks for 72 more hours.
THE YOUNG GAYS
Oh, the nu-gays. At first, they’re easily confused with the devotees. But do not be fooled—they’re hardly fans. These are the followers trailing behind much of today’s overexposed pop culture—the same boys who believe Katy Perry is interesting (and bisexual), that Lady Gaga is the new Madonna, and that the music made before they were born (also known as The Pre-Auto-Tune Era) is like, totally boring. And since Britney remains just as much a radio fixture as she did with her debut, they’re here because society dictates that they should be—and hey, maybe they’ll score with that cute boy three rows down after the show. The one with the tongue ring.
PERVY, OLDER GAYS
They don’t know the words, they don’t know the dances, and perhaps if they weren’t surrounded by a dozen or so young gay men, they’d be giving you a piece of their mind about the state of the music industry today. Instead, they’ll settle by gently swaying along to the music in a X-Small tee and some tight leather arm bands, mostly devoted to providing long, awkward side-glances in your general direction. They, like the old skanks, are also here to prove that they’ve still ‘got it’—but mostly, they’re here for you, which is why they arrived alone. Have fun with that.
MEN WHO DRESS UP AS BRITNEY
Since the Post-Breakdown Era, the lady garment-wearin’ population has exploded throughout Britneydom like a Spederline spawn through a birthing canal. Now an irreversible, full-fledged gay icon, Britney and her many signature looks (the “Slave†outfit, the “Oops†PVC one-piece, and of course the “Baby†Catholic schoolgirl) have given cross-dressing pop fans a reason to hang up the ’84 VMA wedding dress and try something new for a change. Double-takes and quick camera phone snaps are more than welcome. In fact, if you don’t notice their red pleather one-piece, they’ll cut a bitch.
THE STRAIGHT GUYS
While few in number, representatives of the breeding male population do indeed make cameos at Britney concerts. Almost all of them are dutifully playing the role of the unwilling-but-submissive boyfriend (often to the Young Skank), dragged in as retribution for forgetting a birthday or just some good ol’ “bonding time.†Whether they’re scoping out the crowd for an opportune nip-slip or listening for another yelp of “My pussy’s hanging out!†from the stage, these boys are here for the T&A. With one arm secured behind their lady, The Straight Guys aren’t just marking their territory. In the presence of seven-foot trannies and fire-engine red flamers, they’re struggling to hold on to their machismo. In some cases, exercises in identity validation may prove vital, so remember: If you’re a lady attending the Britney show and you feel a slight tap on the ass, don’t worry—it’s not rude…it’s just necessary at some point.
OBLIVIOUS MOMS
This one never ceases to amaze me, and yet, they’ve shown up at every concert. They’re here for the 1998 Britney. Ever since Bethany and Madison were born, Mommy’s been too busy taking them out on play dates, enrolling them in private school, and preparing their lunches to notice that Britney’s turned into a major, major slut.
If it’s not the dirty pole routines and barely-there outfits, it’s the general buffoonery of the crowd that’ll have the moms storming out and demanding a refund about five songs into the show. (This is different from The Old Skank, who may be a mother, but is having a lovely time.) It’s quite likely The Oblivious Mom will even work up the anger to write a rant for the local paper, disgusted by what they thought would be just a wholesome night out with the kids. After all, Jessica Simpson would never be this distasteful.
This list is so true, when I was dragged to Britney Spears‘ Circus tour (translation – when I happily went but don’t want people to know that) I seen every single one of these groups.
source: The 9 Types of Britney Spears Concert Fans [Queerty]
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