The 10 Lamest Movie Vampires

There seems to be a new vampire film out nearly every month especially since vampires became popular again after Twilight hit it big but not all vampires are cool. Total Film came up with a list of the 20 lamest vampires from the movies, here is the top 10 for you to feast your fangs into, yes I know that is a lame joke.

10. Blacula (1972)

The Vamp: Prince Mamuwalde (William H Marshall) is turned into a neck-chewer by Dracula himself before being trapped in a coffin for 200 years.

The Lame: The name may elicit an initial titter, but there’s no denying this ropy exploitation flick errs just a little too much on the silly side. And don’t even get us started on those eyebrows.

How To Make Him Cool: A shave and a haircut would get him halfway there.

09. Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

The Vamp: Carmilla the Vampire Queen (Silvia Colloca).

The Lame: Exploitation can be fun, but this is just dire. Carmilla’s boring for a start, doing nothing more than floating around in a white dress with her, uh, fangs hanging out.

How To Make Her Cool: Maybe she could be a Nazi punk lesbian vampire who evades taxes and never puts the toilet seat down? Nah, still boring.

08. Dracula: Dead And Loving It (1995)

The Vamp: Count Dracula again, this time played by Leslie Nielsen.

The Lame: We love Leslie Nielsen, don’t get us wrong. Still, his campy Dracula is a goofy annoyance, sort of like that fly in the living room that won’t go near the open window no matter how hard you try.

How To Make Him Cool: Give him some evil contact lenses and a scar on his cheek. Badass.

07. Priest (2011)

The Vamp: Nameless CGI nightmares who live in underground tunnels (we think, we weren’t really paying attention) and eat people.

The Lame: They’re CGI, they look CGI, they sound CGI. Now re-read that sentence and every time we said ‘CGI’, think ‘shit’, because that’s exactly what these horrendous creations are.

How To Make Them Cool: Go back to some old school prosthetics and give those nasties a little character.

06. Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

The Vamp: Saya (Gianna Jun), a half-breed samurai fighter who’s part human, part vampire. Oh, and she’s 400 years old.

The Lame: Unlike the cool manga movie it’s based on, The Last Vampire isn’t really bothered with letting us get to know Saya. Instead, she’s a hollow heroine set up as something of a martyr who – beyond those wicked fighting skills – isn’t really all that interesting.

How To Make Her Cool: Rewatch the manga, then copy what they did there. Why mess with a classic?

05. Vampire In Brooklyn (1995)

The Vamp: Maximillian (Eddie Murphy), who arrives in New York looking for the half-breed daughter of a vampire from his Caribbean home.

The Lame: Eddie Murphy? As a vampire? Sure he’s got a goatee and some cool yellow eyes, but we just can’t get past the idea of Murphy trying to be charismatic in a vampy kind of way. He looks more like a pimp, if we’re honest.

How To Make Him Cool: Only way around that one – cast somebody else.

04. Transylmania (2009)

The Vamp: The undead inhabitants of The Razvan University, where a group of idiotic American kids spend a semester studying – and probably dying.

The Lame: These guys are the very definition of lame. Old school vamps who live in boxes and do things like snarl and flap their arms about, they’re about as scary as a granny slurping a cup of Earl Grey. And equally as sexy.

How To Make Him Cool: Dust ‘em, dust ‘em all.

03. Dracula 2000 (2000)

The Vamp: Count Dracula (Gerard Butler), whose coffin is stolen from London and transported to New Orleans, where he’s set loose.

The Lame: “We’re all so much more complicated than our names.” Gee, thanks Drac, got a book coming out? He may be better than some of the other attempts at resurrecting Count Dracula on this list, but Butler’s Drac is still nowhere near the blood-sucking villain we want him to be.

How To Make Him Cool: Stop the talking and get a fricking haircut.

02. Queen Of The Damned (2002)

The Vamp: Lestat (Stuart Townsend), who wakes up after years in the coffin when he hears some rock music, and decides he fancies becoming a musical superstar.

The Lame: Never thought we’d say this, but – we miss Tom Cruise. At least his version of Lestat was more than just a deathly serious pretty boy. Here, poor Townsend’s stuck playing a cipher of a character while prancing around on stage in leather. It’s alright for Britney, not for vampires.

How To Make Him Cool: Alright, he’s got the leather and the porcelain beauty, but what about his mind? Dig deeper into Lestat’s character, and he may just have some cooler shades to show.

01. Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992)

The Vamp: Amilyn (Paul Reubens), the undead manslave to head vamp Lothos (Rutger Hauer).

The Lame: This guy just doesn’t know when to croak. Even when Buffy’s staked him, he hangs around like a crap punchline that can’t find a decent place to die. Lothos is not much better – a cape-wearing preener whose bark is worse than his bite.

How To Make Him Cool: Have David Boreanaz play him.

I would agree with every single one of these, how about you? To see the rest of the top 20 head on over to Total Film.

Popularity: unranked [?]