I know nothing about these kids except that they wear funny looking pants and magical rings that are somehow possessed by the powers of virginity until marriage.
…or so we’ve been told.
Some crazy allegations were made today by a supposed assistant of the Jonas Brothers. The unnamed woman called a Cincinnati radio show and stated that one Jonas has a drug problem. Then she pulled out some “what the f*ckery”. She says that Joe Jonas may be the father to twins that are currently incubating in the womb of some unknown Jonas-boinker.
She also says that the world shall be shocked and appalled when the paternity results are revealed in about three weeks.
Joe Jonas, 20, announced today that he broke up with his 17 year old girlfriend Demi Lovato, and I’d like to think it’s because currently his twins are residing in the twisted guts of Michelle ‘Bombshell” McGee. My head would quite possibly explode from the amount of glee and mean spirited enjoyment I would get from that news.
Unfortunately, the world does not cater to my morbid desires.
I have no idea why this chick called a morning show in Cincinnati, or what kind of fact checking they did to find out if she really is connected to the trio, but I just want this crap to be true. I want it to be true so damned bad.
Normally when you hear news about Tom Cruise it’s along the lines of “weird Scientology guy is weird.”
Not today.
This weekend Hugh Jackman hosted A Fine Romance Benefit for the Motion Picture and Television Fund in L.A., where Katie Holmes stepped into her old theater shoes and a slinky black dress to perform the song “Whatever Lola Wants” from Damn Yankees. She was joined on stage for a bit of dancing (but unfortunately no singing) by her husband Tom Cruise.
I had forgotten how sexy Katie Holmes is. If she danced for me like that, I wouldn’t be able to get off of the bench for fear of showing the audience the raging erection. Just sayin’.
If you can judge by this video, they seem like a very happy couple. Unfortunately, every time I say that the proverbial poop hits the fan. By this time next week we may be hearing that Tom Cruise has been cheating on his hot wife with a midget that dresses as L. Ron Hubbard while reciting the story of Xenu. Naked.
Source: Katie Holmes Seduces Tom Cruise … On Stage [Popeater]
So last night, the geniuses behind The Simpsons decided to completely kill the show. I mean, it’s only the longest-running comedy in television history, with an opening skit that people have been watching for it’s subtle changes since December 17, 1989.
Then last night happened. Oh sweet, sweet baby Jesus. Last night really happened:
Oh, it sucks so bad. I want to burn my eyes out with acid.
They have the entire freakin’ town of Springfield singing Ke$ha‘s “Tik Tok“. What the hell has happened to the Earth that I used to live on? I don’t know how that woman is even a celebrity, so I really can’t figure out how she just contributed to the death of one of my favorite shows. They have never changed their opening sequence (with the exception of small changes when they went HD and on Halloween specials), so the one time that the creative superstars behind the show finally completely change the intro, they change it to this pile of steaming crap?
While The Simpsons has been getting rather bland over the past couple of years, many people still watch it out of sheer loyalty to the show. But last night’s blatant attempt to appeal to the teeny-boppers just pisses me off. Next Sunday they should open the show with a song by Justin Bieber.
Oh lord, the Twihards are going to go nuts about this one.
Fans of the Twilight movies were broken hearted over the first Twilight: Eclipse teaser trailer, which really showed nothing at all except Edward and Bella looking at each other and acting like one of them isn’t a 100 year old pedophile.
Rejoice, ye goofy bastards! The new trailer shows all kinds of naked men chests and bad contact lenses. Plus, if you act now, you can get sparkly “vampires” climbing trees for no extra charge! As a bonus, there is a smattering of poorly rendered CGI wolves thrown in the mix!
I read about 20 pages of the first book before handing it back to my ex and saying she needed to grow up, and maybe sat through 10 minutes of the first movie before turning my back in disgust. Although I will admit that I turned back around at one point in the movie. That was when Edward showed Bella what a vampire looked like in the daylight. Thanks for making evil, bloodthirsty creatures look like sparkly pansies. If Perez Hilton was a vampire, that’s what he’d look like. Except fat.
This afternoon CNN aired a live report about FOX and ABCbeing accused of discriminating against “curvy” models and not playing Lane Bryant‘s new sexy ad until later timeslots. Normally, there would be nothing wrong with that, except I’m guessing they found their copy of the commercial from YouTube.
The original ad showed a plus sized model bopping around in her underwear until she received a calendar reminder about a “lunch date with Dan”, so she throws a coat on over her undies and heads out the door. The version that CNN showed on live TV at 2:20PM Eastern time today replaced the calendar reminder with this gem:
Whitney Houston used to be amazing. Now she is amazingly terrible. Lots of drugs and having the penis of Bobby Brown anywhere in your immediate vicinity will apparently destroy your ability to sing.
Watch Whitney Houston absolutely murder “I Will Always Love You” in Birmingham, UK last night:
That’s seven minutes of your life that you will never get back. I apologize.
Now watch a Taiwanese dude named Lin Yu Chun do it right:
Katy Perry was looking fairly hot on the Kids Choice Awards this weekend, that is until she got punched in the face by high velocity slime. That crap went everywhere… up her nose, in her eyes, it’s sort of like a dream that I had about her the other night.
I don’t know who set that thing up, but it looked like the stream of green goo nearly took her freakin’ head off! Is it a bad thing that I’m a bit aroused by this?
I am really looking forward to Robert Rodriguez’s re-imagining/reboot of the original Predator franchise. The new movie is called Predators, and looks like it may actually kick a ton of ass. Check out the new trailer below, and tell me what you think!
I present to you Seattle’s Pastor Mark Driscoll, a super cool laid back kind of dude, who sports tattoos and spouts crazy ideas about fictional movies set on fictional worlds starring fictional creatures being the work of Satan.
I know that when I went to see Avatar, I was immediately impressed by the beauty and grand scale of Pandora, but a bit less impressed by the storyline. However, after listening to Pastor Mark, I can finally come to terms with the strong desire to bite the heads off of kittens and sodomize goats that I felt as soon as I left the theater. Not saying that I did.
Well, I didn’t bite any kittens.
Satan made me do it.
Here is just a fresh squeeze of insanity juice for you, if you don’t want to watch the video:
“It presents a false mediator with a witch… We have a false Jesus. And the visuals are amazing, because Satan wants you to emotionally connect with the lie. Oh, the problem is not that I need a savior, the problem is that I need to live in tune with creation. This is all Easter garbage-ism. …We’re a very creative church. I’ve got three Tivos. We just don’t like Satan.â€
Avatar is set to be re-released this summer, not just to make more money than it already has (which is somewhere along the lines of fifty bucks, I think), but to convert the masses into screaming, drooling, kitten eating sodomites. Now that’s a plan that I can get down with.
By the way, I don’t have any Tivos, and I love Satan. So blow me, Mark.
Source: SUPER-HIP PASTOR: “AVATAR IS SATAN†[Filmdrunk]
A nine and a half minute monstrosity starring Lady Gaga and Beyonce has been unveiled today, and the sixth seal has officially broken. Little demons and gremlins are getting all hyped up for the pending invasion of the earth because of this steaming pile of crap. Thanks a lot, douchebags.
The video is for a song called Telephone, which is apt, because after a minute of it I was ready to beat myself to death with my Android. I sat through it, however, so that you don’t have to. If you’re a masochist though, check it out below. It’s… interesting. This video is NSFW, and pretty much not safe for anything else, either.
In the video, Lady Gaga (which I shall now shorten to just “Gag”) brings up the rumors of her penis – by having two bull dykes strip her down in a prison (called “Prison for Bitches”, I shit you not) and toss her in a cell before one states “I told you she didn’t have a dick.”
Ugh. You can’t unsee this, I promise you.
Later, Beyonce bails Gag out of said prison after borrowing the “Pussywagon” from Kill Bill. The two lovers run away to live happily ever after… but not before stopping by a diner to go batshit insane on the patrons inside. Because they can, and because Gag apparently does not have a penis.
Yes, Twihards (or as I like to call you, Twildos), you read that right. The geniuses over at “Destroy the Entire Allure and General Badassery of Vampires Studios” have released a 10 second clip previewing the full preview that will be released tomorrow morning.
Yes, a preview of a preview.
Basically it’s just some pale dude that effin’ glitters when sunlight hits him who is a hundred years old or so staring longingly into his teenage lover’s eyes while saying whatever it is that undead pedophiles say to their victims. I wasn’t really listening.
Oh, and the werewolf dude says some of the corniest shit ever. Enjoy it, Twildos.
Ashley Greene is wearing nothing in her new ad for SoBe zero calorie Cherimoya Punch and Strawberry Dragonfruit drinks. Do I really need to say much more than that?
The “Twilight” actress was wearing a painted on scales skinsuit for her new commercial. SoBe has announced that you can enter their sweepstakes to win a trip to Las Vegas from now until January 29th.
Of her photoshoot, Ashley says, “Being a part of the SoBe skinsuit shoot in the Turks and Caicos was amazing. It took the artist 12 hours to paint the SoBe scales on each skinsuit, but it was totally worth it. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.”
The photos will appear in the Swimsuit Issue of “Sports Illustrated.”
source: Ashley Green Is SoBe-eautiful – [justjaredjr]
This time, Kim and sister Khloe Kardashian put on their phone sex voices and are using sex to sell something different: QuickTrim diet pills.
Seriously, this looks like a commercial for one of those late night dating chatlines. Tell me I’m wrong. And they want to make it look like Khloe lost 800 tons of weight for this mess? Unbelievable.
I am so stoked about this movie. The return of Iron Man and a glimpse of War Machine at the end of the trailer = awesome. I’m not too sure about Mickey Rourke, but he could turn out to be surprisingly good in this kind of role. With Robert Downey Jr., Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow, this is a star studded film that I hope will be as good if not better than the first.
Oh, and Scarlett Johannsson steams up the screen in this one too. Rawr.
