Jimmy Kimmel has seen the first two episodes of ‘Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?‘ — the new reality series that features Joan Rivers moving in with her daughter Melissa.
“It’s very entertaining, but why are you tormenting your daughter?” he teased Joan when she visited ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live.’
Melissa was offered $400,000 to pose naked in a ‘Hollywood Moms Gone Wild’ video and turned it down. “Is she out of her mind?!” Joan said.
So — as evidenced by the clip Kimmel showed — Joan took matters into her own hands. She snuck into the bathroom and filmed Melissa in the shower. “The title of the show should be ‘My Mother Is a Maniac,’” said the host.
Happy Friday! For today’s top ten celebrity quotes of the week, we have Jimmy Kimmel talking about “Lost”, Sarah Silverman’s good influence and Sarah Jessica Parker talking about going topless! Enjoy!
“Watching Lost is what I imagine it must be like to be trapped inside the brain of Paula Abdul.”
– Jimmy Kimmel, at ABC’s upfront presentation of its new fall schedule
“No surgical tweaks. No Botox either. I think it is terrible, these girls in their late 20s injecting their faces and lips. One told me, ‘If I kill my muscles now, I’ll never get wrinkles.’ Can you imagine?”
– All-natural beauty Salma Hayek, weighing in on Hollywood’s anti-aging obsession, to InStyle
“I will not be singing and don’t expect any track suits at my wedding.”
– Engaged star Jane Lynch, on keeping her Glee alter ego, Sue Sylvester, out of her wedding plans, to People
“You don’t want to see me topless.”
– Sarah Jessica Parker, on why she’s the only Sex and the City star to not have done a nude scene, to Eonline.com
“Sorry, but the last time I had baby food, I believe I was 1. I’ve been on solids for about 40 years now.”
– Jennifer Aniston, denying reports that she was on “The Baby Food Cleanse,” to People
“It’s like Superman with the cape.”
– Bret Michaels, on continuing to wear his signature bandanna even during his hospital stay for his brain hemorrhage, on The Oprah Winfrey Show
“I’ll starve to death before I’ll cook for myself. I think I could survive a week without eating.”
– Megan Fox, to Allure magazine
“I took a picture with Ron Howard last year at the Oscars. I thought it was the funniest thing. I asked, ‘Is it for your kids?’ He said, ‘No, it’s for me.’”
– Robert Pattinson, to USA Today
“I’ve always wanted to be a woman. For 5 minutes.”
– Sting, who got his wish when he appeared in drag for a rendition of “Big Spender” at the Rainforest Fund’s 21st birthday celebration, to People
“I’m terrified this is what [young] people are going to think adults are supposed to be like. It makes me feel like I actually am a good influence on kids.”
– Sarah Silverman, on reality shows like The Real Housewives and The Bachelor, to People
Matt Damon took some serious ribbing Saturday night when he was honored in Beverly Hills with the 24th American Cinematheque Award.
Jimmy Kimmel teasingly said,
“He doesn’t deserve this award. I don’t know who they weren’t able to get, but I’d go with Tom Selleck before I’d go with Matt Damon.”
Sarah Silverman, who joked that she gave Damon, 39, “his first really big break” with their crudely funny 2008 viral video hit, said she was going to have a hard time roasting him.
“The worst thing I could say is, you know, Matt Damon is like, maybe he’s a perfectionist,” she told the audience, which included Don Cheadle, former President Bill Clinton and Damon’s Invictus director Clint Eastwood.
“And his breath is like, Jesus! And his hair plugs are really obvious. Besides that, there’s like nothing. So sorry, roast not possible!”
I could care less about the hair plugs, it’s the nasty breath that’s giving me the willies.
source: Stars Tease Matt Damon for Bad Breath, Hair Plugs [people magazine]
Happy Friday! Today, we’ve got the best of the best in celebrity quotes for this week. We’ve got Apolo Ohno talking about Pam Anderson’s boobs, Robert Pattinson using singing tactics to get chicks and Jessica Simpson’s phone ringing off the hook after John Mayer called her “sexual napalm”.
Enjoy!
“Pam Anderson, she’s a little top-heavy.”
– Olympic speedskater and former Dancing with the Stars winner Apolo Anton Ohno, sizing up the latest contestants of DWTS, on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
“He loves the hairy legs, and if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go.”
– Oscar nominee Mo’Nique, on husband Sidney Hicks embracing her decision to not shave, on the Barbara Walters’s pre-Oscar interview special
“This is what 7 lbs., 11oz. of California dynomite looks like!”
– Jim Carrey, Tweeting about the birth of his new grandson, Jackson Riley Santana
“I don’t want people to know how I am in bed. Well, I guess it could have been a lot worse. My phone is ringing off the hook, I have to say.”
– Jessica Simpson, making light of former beau John Mayer’s comparison of her to “sexual napalm”, on The Oprah Winfrey Show
“Do you dabble in music ’cause you were worried you weren’t going to get laid enough?”
– Jon Stewart, questioning Robert Pattinson’s foray into music, on The Daily Show
“After about seven times of hanging up on Akon…he said ‘I want you to come to Atlanta, you remind me of me, a little darker but you still remind me of me and I want to sign you.’”
– T-Pain, recalling the shock of receiving his music break after he’d just picked up a job application at McDonald’s, on Lopez Tonight
“Even Lady Gaga can be celibate.”
– Lady Gaga, declaring her single status, to U.K.’s Mirror
“I’m sure if he could breast-feed, he would have.”
– Catherine Zeta-Jones, illustrating husband Michael Douglas’ involvement in raising their two children Dylan, 9, and Carys, 6, to Vanity Fair
“You got Bieber fever…By the way, your life is not going to get any better than this right now. This is it.”
– Jimmy Kimmel, to the 3-year-old YouTube sensation known as “Crying Cody,”" after she met her heartthrob, Justin Bieber, on Kimmel’s late show
Do you remember Caitlin Upton, better known as Miss South Carolina 2007?
Well she has done a hilarious segment for Jimmy Kimmel Live on where babies come from. In part of the video she interviews Octo-Mom, watch it and laugh.
We have the top ten quotes of the week, and one of them is a real doozy. Jimmy Kimmel really laid the smack down on Melissa Joan Hart after her ouster from “Dancing With The Stars”. I kinda felt bad for her, but that lasted about two seconds.
“I know a couple other guys were singing and they won’t say it, but I’m man enough to say that Fergie’s ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry,’ Crap! I would sing that in the gym.”
– Jay-Z, manning up to working out to the pop star
“Playing a creepy, unstable character was something I always wanted to do.”
– Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, on her soon-to-be axed Melrose Place character
“They have to make sure they’re able to re-sign Kate Hudson for next year.”
– David Letterman, joking about the NY Yankees’ most famous fan, on his late show
“Cute’s good. But cute only lasts for so long.”
– First Lady Michelle Obama, advising women to see past the looks in order to find a good man, to “Glamour”
“He has ‘mantrums.’”
– Hailey Glassman, referring to boyfriend Jon Gosselin and his angry outbursts, to “The Insider”
“‘You’re marrying your mother – but she is just thinner and prettier.’”
– The Jonas Brothers’ mom Denise Jonas, on how she teases her engaged son Kevin
“I thought the end of the world was going to come so I didn’t have to pay any of my bills.”
– “The View” co-host Sherri Shepherd, joking about her dodgy pre-stardom life, on “The Bonnie Hunt Show”
“BRAZIL!!!!! A–! A–! A–! Phat round beautiful ASSES!!!!! Everywhere! Its a ASS tsunami!!!!!!!! I think I like it here!!! Lol”
– Diddy, taking in the local sights during his South American trip, on Twitter
“I would love to have a massive party and meet all the sweaty, geeky, awesome fans who posted on the Internet and believed in the film. I just want to thank them.”
– Micah Sloat, breakout star of the independent-turned-box-office-hit “Paranormal Activity”
“At any point during [Dancing with the Stars], did you consider using witch craft to help you?”
– Jimmy Kimmel, to eliminated contestant and former “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” star Melissa Joan Hart, on his late-night show
“Whoa, hold on. The joke is like 1996.”
– Melissa Joan Hart
“But you know what, so are you, to be honest.”
– Kimmel’s retort
That was so terrible! You could tell that he instantaneously felt like a schmuck for saying that to her.
To wrap up the week, we have the top ten of the best celebrity quotes of the week. Included are quips from Jimmy Kimmel, Whitney Houston, and Wendy Williams.
Let the games begin!
The first is my favorite and was used all over the internet this week, because we all feel that Lindsay Lohan is aging so quickly.
“You need moisturizer and help. You are the oldest young women I’ve ever seen.”
– Wendy Williams, commenting on Lindsay Lohan’s appearance next to Donatella Versace, on her talk show
“I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn’t mean I’m necessarily sleeping with them.”
– Adam Lambert, on smooching a female model for a photo spread in “Details”
“I want to hate Megan Fox more than anything. We all do. But I read a bunch of her quotes, and she’s witty and smart and carefree. I thought, ‘This is the kind of girl I’d love to be friends with.’”
– Kristen Bell, on her change of heart about her fellow actress, to “Women’s Health”
“Fans ask me to growl for them, and I really don’t enjoy doing that. Please just wait for the movie.”
– New Moon’s hunky wolf Taylor Lautner, to “People”
“Fantastic, fantastic. Her boobs are great as well…I shouldn’t have said that should I?”
– Amy Winehouse’s dad, Mitch, on his daughter’s well-being and her recent breast augmentation, to British TV show “This Morning”
“It sure was nice for the rest of us while it lasted – we got a little more of the consumer money. Now Garth’s going to come back and eat it all up, and I’ll have to get a real job again. Thanks a lot, Garth!”
– Country star Trace Adkins, on Garth Brooks’ return to the stage after a nine-year hiatus
“I sang myself out of my clothes.”
– Whitney Houston, joking about a wardrobe malfunction while taping a singing segment for the British reality show “The X Factor”
“This team has more limited partners than Paris Hilton.”
– Jimmy Kimmel, joking on his late show about the news that that Fergie was approved to join fellow celebs like Marc Anthony, J. Lo and the Williams sisters, who are part owners of the Miami Dolphins
“I don’t think it’s going to be called ‘Pomegranate’ or ‘Atlanta.’”
– Top Chef’s mom-to-be Padma Lakshmi, on how she’s bucking the creative celebrity baby name trend
“I gained weight during the last pregnancy. When she told me she as pregnant again, I was like, ‘I’m just getting back in shape!’”
– Joel Madden, on his fear of putting on sympathy pounds during girlfriend Nicole Richie’s second pregnancy
If Jimmy Kimmel still has a job at ABC on Wednesday, he is either a very lucky or very deft comedian, or he has great blackmail photos of the network executives.
At Tuesday afternoon’s upfront presentation in New York, Mr. Kimmel, the host of ABC’s late night talk show “Jimmy Kimmel Live,†delivered a withering, blistering monologue that took direct aim at ABC, its potential advertisers and his NBC late-night rival, Jay Leno. The assembled advertisers received his performance with a mixture of uneasy laughs and the occasional gasp.
Bouncing onto the stage at just after 4 p.m., Mr. Kimmel self-deprecatingly declared, “All of ABC’s late night comedy talent is assembled here on one stage.†After rattling off a few statistics about the affluence of his viewers, he then admitted that he’d made all the numbers up. (He said so in a more obscene way.)
Then, in a “Jerry Maguireâ€-like moment of clarity, Mr. Kimmel said,
“Everything you’re going to hear this week is nonsense. Let’s get real here. Let’s get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We’re going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more.â€
If ABC is so confident in its new fall shows, he asked, why is it announcing them at the same time it announces the midseason shows that will replace those fall shows? “This show ‘Shark Tank’ has the word tank right in the title,†he said.
To the ABC advertisers, Mr. Kimmel said,
“Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don’t need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies onto your clients.â€
Mr. Kimmel then took a verbal swing at his own network, reminding the audience that ABC had attempted to hire away Mr. Leno when his tenure ended at NBC’s “Tonight Show.†But, according Mr. Kimmel, NBC said it would not give up Mr. Leno, “even if we have to destroy our own network to keep him.â€
By devoting its entire 10 p.m. lineup, Monday through Friday, to Mr. Leno, Mr. Kimmel said NBC is “giving Jay’s viewers exactly what they want. An early-bird special.â€
By deciding on their fall schedule in April, Mr. Kimmel said, “NBC got such a head start, they’ve already had time to cancel half their schedule.â€
Mr. Kimmel also aimed a couple of zingers at Fox. That network’s action series “24,†he said, was “a head butt away from cancellation.†Next season, he said, Jack Bauer would have a new sidekick “played by Kiefer Sutherland’s probation officer.â€
Returning to ABC’s advertisers, Mr. Kimmel said, “Next year on ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ your product could kill Dr. Izzie. It just depends on how much you want to pay.â€
In closing, Mr. Kimmel said, “I think all our shows are going to work this year. I really do.†He paused. “I don’t, really.â€
Before departing the stage, he said: “The important thing to remember is: who cares, it’s not your money.â€
