So with Halloween on Friday, it is time for those scary lists to start pouring in from every website on the internet.
Here is what Yahoo says is the ten least scary horror movies:
THE HAPPENING
There’s a fine line between being atmospheric and just being boring. This film — about killer tree pollen — is filled with long lingering pastoral shots of trees and tall grass punctuated by laughably spectacular mass suicides. In what is supposed to be a gripping suspense sequence, the heroes run away from the wind. Oooh, scary, scary wind. By the time the credits roll, you’re more likely to be nodding off instead of contemplating the movie’s “deep” ecological meaning.
THE WICKER MAN
The 1973 original, which was hailed as “the Citizen Kane of British horror,” has an ending that still shocks. The only shock to be found in Neil LaBrute’s unbelievably bad remake is the realization that well-paid movie professionals actually thought that dressing up Nic Cage in a bear suit would elicit anything other than laughter.
PULSE
After watching the original Japanese version of the flick, a genuinely spooky flick about technology and loneliness, you’ll never look at your computer in the same way again. This version, on the other hand, just felt stale. Moody lighting? Check. Freaky music video-like dream sequences? Check. Overbearing soundtrack? Check. Wildly over-produced special effects? Check. Vacant, gym-sculpted teens stumbling around in the dark? Check. The resulting movie, like most J-Horror remakes, was so dull that you could say it, um, lacked a pulse.
HOUSE OF THE DEAD
A band of hapless, nubile teens who venture to a remote island for a rave soon find themselves zombie bait. The characters, however, prove to be so bland and annoying that by the end of the flick, you’re rooting for the undead — at least they have personalities. Directed by German hack extraordinaire Uwe Boll, this movie doesn’t have a tenth of the scares as the videogame it was based on, even though footage of the game is spliced into the action for no good reason.
CURSED
Director Wes Craven has helmed horror masterpieces like Nightmare on Elm Street. Screenwriter Kevin Williamson wrote Scream. And star Christine Ricci is great at playing cute and creepy. So why is “Cursed” such a bore? It plays out like werewolves on the CW. The characters are all whiny, spoiled 20-somethings, and after the studio cut down the violence to get a PG-13 rating, there weren’t any thrills left over. The only frightening thing about the flick is the bizarre Scott Baio cameo.
THINNER
Stephen King has been responsible for some of the most terrifying books of all time. But, he’s also be responsible for some of the dullest and silliest movies ever. When lists are compiled of people’s biggest fears, “dropping a few extra pounds” isn’t generally on there. But that’s what happens to the overweight lawyer who gets a gypsy curse placed on him until he withers away to nothing. To break the spell, his mobster buddy strong-arms the shaman into transferring the curse to a pie. “The Shining” this ain’t.
HALLOWEEN III: THE SEASON OF THE WITCH
The original “Halloween,” about a masked killer lumbering after babysitters, is pretty much the godfather of slasher flicks. In this installment of the franchise, the filmmakers jettison its original, financially-lucrative formula in favor of face-eating Halloween masks, shamrocks, and one of the most annoying commercial jingles ever written. Not surprisingly, the knife-wielding maniac returned in Halloween 4.
JAWS 4: THE REVENGE
You’d think that escaping from a shark with a Charles Bronson-esque taste for vengeance would be easy. Just avoid the ocean. But this didn’t seem to occur to the Brody family. Instead, they stubbornly remained in the Bahamas where they were terrorized by the shark’s biologically-impossible roars. This movie is so dull that even the actors look bored, particularly Michael Caine, who couldn’t collect his Oscar because he was stuck filming this dud.
TROLL 2
By pretty much any measure, this film has to be ranked as one of the worst films ever made. Describing the mind-bogglingly idiotic plot might very well induce a migraine, but it does include oozing chlorophyll, militantly vegetarian goblins, and some of the worst line readings in history. The main thing the movie lacks: a single troll.
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE
To criticize this movie’s staggering incompetence is like criticizing a child’s drawing for not understanding perspective. Sure, the film features gasoline soaked paper plates posing as UFOs, ghouls terrorizing housewives in cardboard cemeteries, and talk of a bomb that causes sunlight to explode, but director Ed Wood’s vision is so laughably juvenile and pure that the “Plan 9″ seems strangely wholesome. And it’s no more frightening than your average episode of “Mister Roger’s Neighborhood.”
What are you doing or dressing up for this Halloween?
Jimmy Kimmel had Marky Mark (aka Mark Wahlberg) on his show last night and played the clip from Saturday Night Live of Andy Samberg’s impersonation of him.
Well, it seems that Mark’s more than just a little pissed off.
“You know what? When I see that kid… I’m going to crack that big f#king nose of his. That’s what I’m going to do. And then I’m going to tell him ‘Say hi to your motha for me.’”
He said this while picking particles off of his shirt.
With all the buzz around Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin impression, a ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit involving Andy Samberg imitating Mark Wahlberg was highly overlooked a few weeks ago … but not by Wahlberg himself. Let’s just say he’s not very entertained with the spoof.
In an interview with the New York Post, Wahlberg talks about Samberg’s “Barky Bark and the Donkey Bunch,” in which Samberg does a stellar impression of the former rapper-turned-actor discussing life with a mule. Despite Wahlberg’s claims that “it wasn’t like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that’s for sure,” the impression is flawless in our eyes.
Wahlberg goes on to further slam ‘SNL,’ saying it “hasn’t been funny for a long time.” He even says that he’s been asked “to do the show a ton of times,” but turned the offers down.
“I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray,” he said. “I don’t even know who’s on the show now.”
Yahoo has debuted a brand new trailer for the upcoming video game adaptation Max Payne this afternoon, but first, some news you can use.
In an interview with MTV, Payne star Mark Wahlberg jokingly issued a challenge to the man at the center of the second highest grossing film of all-time, The Dark Knight. This from the interview:
“Take off the suit and if you want to go one-on-one, two-on-one, and put a couple of you guys together - they all like to put the comic book characters together - come at me,” Mark Wahlberg laughed, issuing a challenge to the Dark Knight to put his fighting skills where his mouth is and face off against his character, Max Payne.
“I’m not talking about financial box office, I’m talking about one-on-one with these (puts up fists).”
Of course, while his jovial tone and obvious sarcasm may have some brushing off Wahlberg’s comments, we believe it to be important that we take all threats against our favorite superheros seriously. That said, we think Batman, or more specifically Christian Bale, would kick the shit out of Wahlberg’s Payne.
We would present some sort of scientific proof, but that won’t be necessary — Batman is just that much of a badass. As for Max Payne though, he seems to be doing alright for himself… and it was one of my favorite PC games.
