There’s nothing more enjoyable than watching a movie or TV show and seeing an actor you hate getting killed, of course it’s only fictional but still we can’t help but enjoy it. Right? Well Cracked have come up with a list of 7 television and move deaths we’ve all enjoyed a bit too much.
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07. David Caruso – King of New York
I’m still holding out hope that David Caruso is playing an elaborate hoax on the world. Somewhere between NYPD Blue and CSI Miami he was clearing out some old things and decided he didn’t need functional social etiquette anymore. He has lost all context for how regular people interact with one another, which is a crucial skill set for actors. Perhaps in a very literal attempt at avoid insulting co-stars, he refuses to talk down to anyone; instead he stoops as low as he possibly can and then looks up like a dog that just defecated in the study again. It’s especially absurd to watch when he has to talk to children. Despite the hail of insults and fast food I’m assuming he’s pelted with daily, David Caruso maintains remarkably high self esteem. It’s nice to see him knocked down a peg once in awhile, or more literally, shot in the face.
06. Paris Hilton – House of Wax
When humanity turned against Paris Hilton it wasn’t prepared for her to live so long. There was an early and hard sprint of hatred with no consideration for how exhausting it would be in the later laps. In recent years she hasn’t done anything to redeem herself but it’s almost too tiring to offer her any more attention. Still, I’m doing it. Quiet hatred is still hatred. Each time she climbed out of a car vagina first, or answered her phone during sex, or wept like a child in the back of a cop car, everyone cried “rehab!” but only for the shame it would bring her, no one actually wanted to see Paris Hilton get better. On the inside, the world was whispering a prayer that that someone throw a stake through her face instead. House of Wax answered that prayer.
05. Steven Seagal-Executive Decision
Actor-performer is a generous term for Steven Seagal, it feels more applicable to call him a pretend-Native-American-who-does-martial-arts-while-cameras-roll. He has acted in over 35 films and stubbornly refuses to get any better at it. Yet, even with his illustrious career making movies and his labored musical persuits, Steven Seagal still finds time for love. He made headlines this year when his assistant accused him keeping and abusing sex slaves. The assaults described, while horrific, were considerably more lumbering and awkward than anyone anticipated from an accomplished martial artist. Then again, there are few elegant ways to choke a sex slave. So, on the scale of human decency, Steven Seagal sits squarely behind the chimpanzee that ripped that woman’s face off a while back. What his death in Executive Decision lacks blood or dying gasps, it makes up for in hilarious prematurity. He dies in the first half of the movie after getting sucked out of a jet midair. He doesn’t get to roundhouse anyone or dole out any Native American wisdom; leaving him only with acting to justify his presence onscreen, something he presumably hates because he only does it while wincing. His death is particularly gratifying to watch given the back story of the film’s production. Steven Seagal didn’t want his character to die, concerned his fan(s) wouldn’t like it. Eventually he was forced to do the scene as it was written with the studio threatening a breach of contract lawsuit. Knowing that his death was also a stab at his ego is its own special reward.
04. Tara Reid-Urban Legend
There’s a scene in The Shining when Jack Nicholson kisses a beautiful naked woman in a bathroom before her body decays instantly and she becomes a bloated, festering corpse in his arms. I imagine that’s how a lot of teenage boys felt about Tara Reid while using her as masturbation fodder in the late 90s. Not even meth can destroy a human body as quickly as Tara Reid has destroyed hers. Like a walking D.A.R.E. scare tactic, she is the end result of a life of over-stimulation, except she achieved it in only a few years. Her tireless dedication to impulse earned her the reality show Taradise for a year before audiences lost interest in watching a pie-wagon shaped drunk chicken fight in a pool over and over.
03. Jennifer Lopez-Jersey Girl
When Jennifer Lopez dies in the first fifteen minutes of Jersey Girl I think audiences are supposed to feel something like sadness. But after years of hearing the tantrums and demands and general entitlement, it’s hard not to relax in the few seconds of silence after her passing. Even better, her death isn’t dealt by a killer but a tiny child.
02. Tom Cruise-Valkyrie
Audiences never anticipated that they would see an American made movie set in the 1940s with a German hero. They also never anticipated that they would cheer when that hero was shot in front of a firing squad of Nazis at the end of the film. Valkyrie created a tremendous moral conflict for German moviegoers in particular because they were forced to choose which they hated more: Nazis, or Tom Cruise. For a country that loves putting up with the nonsense from American stars, they draw a fat line in the sand when it comes to Scientology. Germany as a whole was unwilling to let Valkyrie shoot at the Bender Block where the actual Colonel Stauffenberg was killed, specifically because of Tom Cruise’s involvement in the film and the thetan infecting his brain.
01. Dane Cook-Mr. Brooks
Early on in his career, Dane Cook did a bit about the moments when the middle finger isn’t enough of an insult, and how the middle combined with the ring finger could be a lot more effectual when the situation demanded it: The Super Finger. In other words, he took an idea created by someone else, already infused with a deep implications and significance, then altered it slightly into something more confusing before claiming it as his own. This seems like a nice analogy for Dane Cook’s entire career. All of his stadium appearances, merchandise sales and TV appearances are born on the backs of other comedians who were around long before he stumbled into popularity and gutted the soul from their jokes. There are a lot of reasons to hate Dane Cook, so it’s particularly enjoyable to see him murdered on screen. I would equate it to the joy you might feel thinking about an arena packed with people all giving Dane Cook the Super Finger and him mistaking it for praise.
Yup, I’ve enjoyed them all.
source: 7 Celebrity Movie Deaths We Enjoyed Way Too Much [Cracked]
The lawsuit against Steven Seagal for sexual assault has been dropped.
Seagal’s former assistant, 23-year-old Kayden Nguyen, brought the lawsuit against him back in April, claiming that the Zen master/cop had physically groped her and tried to force her to consume illegal narcotics among other heinous acts. By the way, here’s some naked pictures of Kayden Nguyen. You’re welcome.
Yesterday, Nguyen’s lawyers filed documents in L.A. County Superior Court asking for the case to be dismissed. There is no word on whether a settlement was reached, or whether she was lying her ass off. For the record, I totally called this outcome.
source: Steven Seagal Accuser Drops ‘Sex Toy’ Lawsuit [TMZ]
I never knew that celebrities got banned for life from appearing on Saturday Night Live but it appears they do because producers, one in particular is Lorne Michaels, get butthurt or are afraid of backlash from the media. Here is a list of people who have been banned from ever appearing on the show again:
Louise Lasser
Lasser, who hosted at the end of the first season on July 24, 1976, was the first host banned by the producers. Lasser was said to be going through personal problems at the time and was reportedly nearly incoherent throughout the broadcast.
Charles Grodin
Grodin has never been asked back to host after he gave a clumsy performance. In October 1977, on his one appearance on the show, Grodin missed rehearsal, stumbled his way through the show, and ad-libbed many of his lines.
Elvis Costello and the Attractions
On December 17, 1977, they performed as a last-minute replacement for the Sex Pistols, who were unable to obtain passports. NBC and the show’s producer Lorne Michaels didn’t want the band to perform “Radio Radio”, since the song protests the state of the media. The band defied them by beginning to play their song “Less Than Zero”, stopping, with Costello telling the audience that there was no reason to do that song, and telling the band to play “Radio Radio” instead. It infuriated Michaels because it put the show off schedule, and the band were barred from performing again. Eventually Lorne Michaels put his grievances aside, lifting the ban, and Elvis Costello would appear as musical guest in 1989 and 1991. He also reprised his performance of “Radio Radio” with the Beastie Boys for a 25th anniversary special aired on September 26, 1999.
Frank Zappa
Banned from the show after his hosting stint on October 21, 1978. His distinct sense of humor made him unpopular with the cast and crew. During his performance, he made a habit of reading cue-cards and mugging for the camera, and many cast members (save for John Belushi) deliberately stood far from him during the goodnights.
Milton Berle
The April 14, 1979 episode of the show hosted by Berle resulted in him being banned due to his habit of upstaging other performers, overacting, mugging for the camera, insertion of “classic” comedy bits and his maudlin performance of “September Song.” Note: This episode was also barred from rebroadcast for over twenty years until February 2003, when an edited version was shown on E!; it twice aired in full in Canada on The Comedy Network in 2001. Lorne Michaels felt that the broadcast, and Berle in particular, brought the show down.
Fear
Banned from playing again after the 1981 Halloween episode. With Donald Pleasence as host, the band played that night by request from Fear fan John Belushi, and they proceeded to play offensive songs (“I Don’t Care About You” and “Beef Balogna” among others) and bus in “dancers”. The band also used obscene language and the dancers destroyed the set with their slam dancing onstage. The situation was out of control to the extent that the damage of studio equipment forced Dave Wilson to end the three-song performance by cutting the audio and video to a commercial as they started to play “Let’s Have a War” .
Robert Blake
On November 13, 1982, host Blake was very dissatisfied with the scripts that he received throughout the week. He was barred from ever performing on the show again after he crumpled up a script presented to him by cast member and writer Gary Kroeger and threw it back in his face.
Andy Kaufman
A proposed banning of a frequent guest was left in the hands of viewers on November 20, one week later. Kaufman, who had appeared in the very first episode in 1975 and periodically thereafter, was the subject of a viewer poll to decide if Kaufman should be allowed to stay or be banned for life from the show. Viewers had to call a 900 number to cast their vote. They decided to kick him off, and Kaufman never returned to the show. Note: It was actually Kaufman who pitched the idea to Dick Ebersol weeks before, and Ebersol used the idea after he had a fight with Kaufman.
The Replacements
The influential alternative group were banned from the show due to their behavior after they appeared on the show on January 18, 1986 to promote their first album with Sire Records, Tim. When it came time for them to perform their first number, “Bastards of Young,” they were intoxicated and several cast members were unsure whether they could perform. Lead singer Paul Westerberg would further aggravate circumstances when he yelled “fuck” to the crowd during “Bastards of Young”. The band went on to perform one more song, “Kiss Me on the Bus”. Note: In subsequent rebroadcasts of this episode, the “fuck” is censored out of “Bastards of Young.” Lead singer Paul Westerberg returned as a solo musical guest and Bassist Tommy Stinson is featured on a playbill during commercial breaks during the most recent season.
Steven Seagal
Hosted on April 20, 1991, was also banned from hosting because of his difficulty in working with the cast and crew. Note: They made note of the occasion almost a year and a half later, as during Nicolas Cage’s monologue on September 26, 1992, Nicolas spoke with Lorne backstage, saying, “…they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!” to which Lorne replied, “No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.”
Sinéad O’Connor
Banned from appearing on SNL again after her peformance on October 3, 1992. In her second set of the show, she performed an a cappella version of Bob Marley’s “War”. During the word “evil”, she picked up a picture of Pope John Paul II, ripped it up, and shouted, “Fight the real enemy!” Dave Wilson immediately turned off the “applause” cue and the audience reacted with complete silence. NBC received many complaints about this within a matter of minutes. At the end of the show, host Tim Robbins, who was raised Catholic, refused to give O’Connor the customary “thanks” for being the musical guest. Note: To this day, NBC refuses to lend out the footage of the performance to any media outlet, and they edited out the incident from the syndicated version of the episode, replacing it with footage from the dress rehearsal taped earlier in the evening. It was finally released in 2003, with an explanation from Lorne Michaels, on Disc 4 of the Saturday Night Live – 25 Years of Music DVD set.
Cypress Hill
Banned from appearing on SNL again after their performance as the musical guest on the October 2, 1993 episode, where DJ Muggs lit up a marijuana joint on-air and the band trashed their instruments after playing their second single “I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That.”
Martin Lawrence
Banned from the show after his opening monologue on the February 19, 1994 episode included comments about female genitalia. Note: The monologue has been edited out in both the network repeats and syndicated version, with just a graphic describing in general what Lawrence had said. The graphic also told viewers that it was a lively monologue and it almost cost many SNL employees their jobs.
Chevy Chase
Banned from hosting the show again after the February 15, 1997 episode due to his verbal abuse of the cast and crew during the week. Chase became notorious for his treatment of certain cast members when hosting past episodes, particularly his remarks to openly gay cast member Terry Sweeney. In 1985, Chase suggested that a perfect skit for Sweeney would be one in which he plays an AIDS victim who gets weighed every week. Chase’s abusive behavior during the 1985 episode and other episodes are detailed in the Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live book. Although Chase was banned from hosting the show in 1997, he appeared on the 25th anniversary special in 1999, was interviewed for the 2005 special Live From New York: The First Five Years of Saturday Night Live, and cameoed in two episodes (one hosted by Bill Murray in 1999 and another hosted by Seann William Scott in 2001). Chase was recently on SNL’s Weekend Update (2007 Season).
Adrien Brody
The latest person banned on May 10, 2003. He came out to introduce reggae musician Sean Paul, while wearing Rastafarian attire including faux dreadlocks. Without any prior notice, Brody began rambling in a Jamaican accent for close to 45 seconds before finally introducing the act incorrectly, misannouncing “Sean Paul” as “Sean John.” Michaels is notorious for his dislike of improvisation and unannounced performances, and was furious with Brody for not obtaining clearance before performing this “monologue.”
I guess I can understand why a lot of these were banned.
Now that Kayden Nguyen has filed her lawsuit claiming that Steven Seagal tried to feel all over her lesbian booty, two new accusers have forward and give Nguyen sworn declarations. One of the two is the granddaughter of the late, great Ray Charles!
Both women claim that they were hired by Steven Seagal to be his personal assistant, but quit when he became sexually aggressive and inappropriate. Blair Robinson claims that she met Seagal at her grandfather Ray Charles’ funeral. She said that she went to the pony tailed one’s home after the funeral to discuss a possible job. She accepted a job from him and started work about a month later, but allegedly Steven Seagal told her on day one that massages were required, and then gave her a massage to show the proper technique.
The other woman, (who is unnamed at the moment), says that after he hired her as a personal assistant, Steven Seagal used his powers of kung-fu rape and lured her into his bedroom where he touched her breasts and claimed that he was checking for lumps like a doctor would (smooth!). She claims also that,
“Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”
Apparently she screamed and cried until he let her go. Because we all know that the way to break the deathgrip of a ninja-like Aikido master is to have a woman scream rape in his ear.
Steven Seagal’s lawyer denies the hell out of these statements, saying that Seagal has “no knowledge” of either one of these women, and that,
“The declarations were clearly prepared by Nguyen‘s lawyer to be leaked to the media to help bolster his client’s meritless claims.”
What do you think, readers? Did Seagal try to get all rape-y with a bunch of women he hired, or is this a bid to break the aging actor’s bank account?
Source: Seagal’s New Accuser — Ray Charles Connection [TMZ]
To absolutely nobody’s surprise, the attention whoring former “model” and admitted lesbian/man manipulatorKayden Nguyen has nude pictures floating around out there. They have now floated over here.
She looks pretty classy up there at the top of the post, doesn’t she?
In case you haven’t heard of this chick, Kayden Nguyen has taken out a lawsuit against Steven Seagal, claiming that he sexually assaulted her on several occasions after he hired her to be his executive assistant. Now she wants a million bucks.
Good luck, Kayden.
Click “continue” to see the NSFW pictures that she is probably regretting right about now.
Kayden Nguyen, the woman who claims that she was treated as a “sex toy” and was sexually assaulted by Steven Seagal several times has a bit of a shady past. Seagal has a bit of a past of his own, which put me right on the fence when her lawsuit was announced, but now I’m leaning a bit toward Steve-O’s side.
Here are a few reasons why I think that Kayden Nguyen is full of shit:
1: Steven Seagal is an Asshole.
Yep, you read that right. I am supporting Steven Seagal because he is a known prick. An asshole. A bag of douche, if you will. Stay with me on this one.
Seagal once made a claim while on a movie set that nobody could ever choke him out. Legendary stuntman, wrestler and martial artist Gene LeBell decided to test the pony-tailed one’s theory and proceeded to choke Steven Seagal until he lost consciousness and pissed himself. Seagal was very gracious about the matter and had LeBell completely blacklisted from getting hired again. He did not sexually assault LeBell, although eyewitnesses claim that he did hit LeBell in the crotch while he was flailing on the ground.
Julianna Margulies starred in the movie Out for Justice with Seagal. She did not seem to enjoy the experience. In her words, Seagal was “the biggest jackass” she had ever worked with. Co-star and rapper DMX from the movie Exit Wounds did not enjoy his time with Steven Seagal very much either. He was quoted as saying “Steven Seagal is a fucking shithead. With fucking spray-on hair.” Take note, however, that neither one of these people claimed that Seagal touched them inappropriately.
There are many, many examples out there showing that Steven Seagal is, in fact, an asshole. If he is that open about his complete disdain for his co-workers, he probably would’ve gone ahead and admitted by now that he keeps a couple of Russian whores around at all times and likes to molest his executive assistants. Then he would’ve shrugged, walked away, and beat the shit out of someone.
2: Kayden Nguyen is Too Pretty.
I was unsure about the validity of the lawsuit until I saw this picture of Kayden Nguyen. This bitch is way too pretty to be making these claims. Here we have a prime example of a former model who has been trying to do anything and everything to break into Hollywood since the day she bought her implants. She can’t act, her one talk show appearance was horrible (more on that in a minute), and she isn’t quite infamous enough yet to release a sex tape… but it’s coming. Oh yes, it’s coming.
This all would’ve been more believable if she was of average looks, or even above average… but Kayden Nguyen is smoking hot. Which means she is full of shit.
If she was ever hired by Steven Seagal in the first place, then she had this planned from the beginning. You can’t look that good and be in the presence of someone with a working penis and not expect a little attraction. She was banking on that, and is now set on destroying Seagal’s not-so-good name.
In fact…
3. Kayden Nguyen Admits That She is a Lesbian Who Manipulates Men
Whaaaat?
Yeah, uber-bitch admitted over a year ago (January 29, 2009 to be exact) that she enjoys manipulating men. She appeared as a guest on a Tyra Banks Show episode titled “The Gay Kingdom” where she claimed to be a “lipstick lesbian” and said that she could use her “sex appeal to get any girl that I want and trick any guy to getting what I want.”
Watch part of the episode here. If you watch Tyra. I only did so that I could write this.
I swear.
So, what do you think? Steven Seagal is certainly no saint (although he is recognized as a reincarnated monk), but he is known to be a prick, which actually works for him in this situation. People hate the shit out of Steven Seagal, so if there was some dirt to be dug up, it would’ve been out there by now. Who the hell is Kayden Nguyen? Another attention whore out to make some money off of her looks and someone else’s hard work, that’s who she is.
Like I said above… keep an eye out for the Kayden Nguyen lesbian sex tape, I’m betting on it being released within a year. She’s got to capitalize on her name while it’s still high in the Google search results.
Steven Seagal is being sued by a former “executive assistant” for sexual assault and trafficking in sex. Since his acting career is pretty much shot to shit, this can’t be very good for his law enforcement career.
Kayden Nguyen, a 23 year old former model, says that Steven Seagal hired her to be his executive assistant. When she reported to work, she alleges that she discovered that Seagal kept two Russian girls handy “who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week”. She claims that she was hired to replace one of them.
Nguyen also claims that the first night she was there, Seagal attempted to fondle her breasts and reach up her skirt. As she scampered away in fear and disgust (or just to play hard to get), he supposedly said “You aren’t allowed to tell anybody.”
Nguyen says that she complained the first day after this all supposedly went down, but she doesn’t say who she complained to, only that “nothing was done.” So, she did what any terrified former model who gets to work for a creepy old former celebrity would do.
She continued working for him.
According to the lawsuit, Seagal then allegedly assaulted her again, by jamming his hand between her legs and forcing her to consume “illegal pills”.
The lawsuit accuses Seagal of sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and false representations about unemployment. She is suing for over a million dollars.
